Last weekend I had planned to spend Memorial Day with my mom. She was going to make fried green tomatoes (yum!) and we were going to spend the day by her pool. Unfortunately, Maggie was sick Sunday (both kids ended up with strep- how icky!), so we decided not to go over there. We, instead, went over to her house today. It worked out nicely because yesterday she had asked me if Maggie could spend the night with her, and since I had to go pick her up today anyway, we just sort of made a day out of it.
Before Kasen and I left the house I grabbed my coupons for CVS and I had gotten a text from mom asking if I could pick up mushrooms to fry as well (again, YUM!), potatoes, and milk. No problem. Off we go.
At CVS, I’m on the hunt for toothpaste. I’ve been struggling to get mine out of the tube for a week so it’s time to buy more, and I’ve got coupons! Yay! CVS had it on sale for 2.99 plus 2.00 extra care bucks so it basically free! Go me! Here’s how it broke down:
Colgate toothpaste: 2.99 minus 1.00 off coupon plus 2.00 extra care bucks = .01 money maker. Times two.
My first transaction total was 2.13, save extra care bucks for later.
Second transaction same as above.
I’ve also picked up a 3-pack of toothbrushes (3.59), and 2 8.4 ounce bottles of Colgate mouth wash (4.59 each).
Third transaction breakdown: mouthwash 4.59 each minus 2.00 coupon for each bottle, toothbrushes 3.59 minus 4.00 in extra care bucks plus another 1.50 subtracted as a bonus coupon for oral care. Total 3.13. In case you missed it, I got 2 toothpastes, 2 mouth washes, and three toothbrushes for $5 and change! Go me!! Now don’t tell me I have bad breath…
Now on to the nightmare. I had Kasen with me, remember? The CVS I go to has the carts with the plastic car attached to it. Don’t ever take him in there and use another cart. If you’ve never driven one, let me tell you how fun they are. The wheels on the car don’t move, so god forbid if you need to turn a corner. You have to pick the damn thing up to turn it. They don’t come with seat belts (or at least this one didn’t), so if you turn too fast, your kid will fly out before you knew what happened. I’m pretty sure Kasen fell out at least once because he was half way leaning out of the thing to touch something, and of course I’m hunting for toothpaste, so when I moved the cart he ended up on the floor. Sorry dude. Those things should have a damn restraint in them. So as we get up to the front and I’m paying for my stuff, Kasen gets out of the car and is eyeballing all of the candy that is taunting him at the checkout. I swear, these places should have the candy out of arm’s reach. Of course he sees something he wants, and it’s a giant package of peppermint patties that probably cost more than what I paid for all the shit I bought. What does he do? Takes it and runs, of course. So here I am trying to juggle my bag of goodies, my purse, my wallet, and my phone while chasing a manic 3-year-old that’s about to get mommy arrested for shoplifting candy. I caught him before he hit the door and put the candy back, which immediately caused Kasen to go into bat-shit crazy mode. Still juggling all of my junk I now have to enforce the football hold and carry him out of the store screaming. I became “That mom.” Fan-friggin-tastic. Off to the grocery store.
The grocery store in our town also has the car/cart. Unfortunately for Kasen, the store I went to in mom’s town doesn’t have them. Instead, they have miniature carts designed for little kids to push around. First of all, these are a law-suit waiting to happen. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old try to navigate a shopping cart? I have. Not pretty. Secondly, the person that invented these grocery store marvels should be taken out back and shot. Better yet, he should be in charge of all of the toddlers running around with fucking shopping carts. Thank God he didn’t hit anybody. So we are moving right along and I get to the mushrooms. First item on my list. There are only about 9 billion different kinds to get. Pre-sliced? Whole? Little white ones that look like toadstools? I called my mom. She will know. Here’s how are conversation goes:
Me: What kind of mushrooms do you want?
Mom: I don’t know.
Me: Pick one, there are too many to choose from.
Mom: I don’t care, whatever looks good.
Me: Do you want the big portobello kind tha-KASEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE?!? Put it back! Put it ba. Click.
I look in the cart and he’s put a zucchini and a yellow bell pepper in the cart and is reaching for a giant bag of carrots bigger than he is. Seriously?!? If I actually bought the zucchini and pepper and put it front of him to eat, he wouldn’t eat it. “But it’s pretty mom.”
We finally make it out of the produce section and on to the milk, which is, of course, at the other end of the building. It only took us about 4 years to get there with my miniature Magellan pushing the pint-sized shopping cart from Hell. Luckily, we only ended up buying 1 thing not on our list: Cheetos Mix-Ups salsa edition. Kasen didn’t like them, but I sure did. That shit was GOOD.
After my shopping trips today, I remembered why I don’t go with Kasen alone. Normally, I do the shopping while someone else keeps him entertained and anti-kleptomaniacal. Regardless, we both ended up at mom’s in one piece, and had fun swimming, cooking, and stuffing our fat faces with even more fattening fried food. I think I need a weekend to recoup from my weekend…